32 Of The Best Irish Jokes You’ll Actually Laugh At

Below, you’ll find a collection of funny Irish jokes that gets updated every couple of weeks.

There’s a joke here for every sense of humour, from lighthearted one liners to some of the best Irish jokes for adults (yes, sheep get a fair few mentions).

Some of these are plucked from memory (probably the bad ones), while others have been lifted from WhatsApp groups.

I also asked our 285,000+ Instagram followers for their picks, so you’ll find some of their suggestions in here too.

The best Irish jokes I’ve heard in a while

So, what someone deems as funny Irish jokes is subjective – i.e. what I think is gas, you might think is crap.

I’ve tried to bang in a mix of joke types so that there’s a bit of something for everyone.

Have any short Irish jokes for adults that you want to share? Lash it into the comments section at the end of this article!

1. Catholics or Pedestrians?

An Irishman was in New York, patiently waiting to cross a busy street. There was a traffic cop manning the crossing.

The cop stopped after a few minutes and told those waiting to cross the road, ‘Okay, pedestrians,’ he said, ‘let’s go.’

The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. After five minutes, he shouts to the cop, ‘Here! The pedestrians crossed ages ago—when’s it time for the Catholics?!’

2. Never mess with the nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is waiting at a traffic light in Donegal when a car full of drunk fellas pulls up next to them.

One of the lads leans out the window and shouts, ‘Alright, sisters, do ye fancy coming back to ours for a bit of fun?!’

The head nun gasps, then turns to Sister Assumpta. ‘I don’t think they realise who we are. Show them your cross.’

Without hesitation, Sister Assumpta rolls down the window and shouts, ‘DRIVE ON, YOU SHOWER OF B*****S, BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND KNOCK THE SH*TE OUTTA YE!’

She rolls the window back up and turns to the head nun. ‘Was that cross enough?’

3. Delirrrrrah

Anto’s missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child.

When they arrived, the nurse asked, ‘How dilated is she, sir?.’

Anto replied, ‘Delighted? She’s over the f***ing moon!’

4. The pint

A man walks into a bar and sits down. ‘Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps when you’re ready there?’

‘Oh. You must be Irish,’ she replied.

The man was evidently offended and responded, ‘The cheek, just because I order a pint of Guinness, you assume I’m Irish?

If I ordered a bowl of pasta, would that make me Italian?!’

‘No,’ she replied. ‘But this is a newsagent’s…’

5. More sheep

Yes, this is another potentially offensive and dirty Irish joke involving sheep.

An Irish farmer was walking along the boundary between his and his neighbour’s fields when he spotted his neighbour carrying 2 sheep in his arms.

‘Tony’, he called. ‘Are you going to shear those sheep’. ‘I am not’, the neighbour replied, ‘They’re both for me’.

6. Digging holes

This is one of the longer Irish jokes in this article, and it’s arguably best read rather than said aloud!

Two Irish lads were working for the local county council. One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in.

They worked up along one street and then down the other. They then moved to the next street and did the same, working flat out all day without stopping.

A passerby saw what they were doing and was amazed at the hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were at.

So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, ‘I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?’

The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, ‘Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. You see, we’re normally a three-man team. But today the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick.’

7. A bold dog

Anto and his wife were lying in bed in Dublin one Saturday morning. It was 8 o’clock and the neighbour’s dog was going mental.

‘F**k this’, shouts Anto as he ran out of the room.

He arrived back up the stairs ten minutes later. ‘What are you after doing?’ replied his wife. ‘I’ve put the little hoor in our garden. Let’s see how they like listening to him!’

8. Chasing donkeys

A Cork man went for a job at the local stables. When he sat down for the interview, the farmer asked him ‘Have you ever shoed horses?’

The Cork man thought about this for a couple of minutes and replied, ‘No, but i once told a donkey to get f***ked’.

9. Two Irishmen at a funeral

Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. One turns to the other and says, ‘It was a beautiful ceremony, wasn’t it?!’

‘It was’, replied the friend. ‘Listen – when I die, will you pour a decent bottle of whiskey over my grave, as a toast?’.

‘I will’, says the friend. ‘But would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?’

10. All bunged up

A lad from Clare went to his local doctor with cramps from constipation. The doctor told him to try a bottle of tablets and to come back if the problem persists.

A week later the lad comes back. ‘We’ll, are you feeling any better?’, asked the doctor. ‘No’, the man replied. ‘Was I definitely meant to shove them up my ar*e?’

11. Funny ways of describing people

Although they’re not classed as jokes, there are some great funny Irish sayings that’ll give you a giggle.

Ones like ‘He’s that skinny the one eye would do him’ and ‘He’s got enough cheek for a second ar*e’. See them here.

12. The next flat up

A Garda’s driving down O’Connell Street when he spots two fellas relieving themselves against a shop window.

He slams on the brakes, jumps out, and marches over.

Turning to the first fella, he asks, ‘Name and address?’

The man straightens up and replies, ‘Tony O’Toole, no fixed abode.’

The Garda nods, then turns to the second fella. ‘And you?’

With a grin, the man says, ‘Carl Mooney—I live in the flat above Paddy!’

13. Feeling himself

Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. ‘What’s the story?’ Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamus’s face.

‘I haven’t been feeling myself lately’, Sheamus replied. ‘That’s good’ says Paddy. ‘Sure you’d be arrested for less!’

14. Flies in a pint

This is one of the many Irish stereotype jokes that’s flying around, but unlike many it isn’t exactly offensive.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each man’s freshly poured pint.

The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out.

The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, ‘Spit it out you little b*stard.’

15. Legal advice

An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. ‘Marty’ he sighed, ‘Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?’

‘That’s b*llocks. Who told you that?’ replied Marty.

16. Death by Guinness

This is one of the best Irish jokes that I’ve come across recently. It’s been doing the rounds on WhatsApp for a while, but hopefully it’ll give you a laugh.

It was a cold Friday evening when the doorbell rang is Mrs Molloy’s house. When she answered the door, Pat Glynn, her husband’s manager at the brewery, was stood on the doorstep.

‘Pat. Hello. Where’s my husband? He should have been home from work 3 hours ago?’ The man sighed. ‘I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mrs Molloy, but there was an accident over in the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned’.

‘Oh my God’ she replied. ‘Please tell me it was quick?!’, Mrs Molloy pleaded.

‘Well… no. It wasn’t. He climbed out 4 times to take a p*ss’.

17. Ten shots, please

Ben walked into the local bar all a fluster and ordered seven shots of Irish whiskey and a pint of Smwithicks. When the barman arrived back with the pint, all of the shots of whiskey had been drunk.

‘Ah here, you drank those very quickly’ said the barman. ‘Well’ says Ben, ‘If you had what I had you’d drink them quickly, too’.

‘Sh*te’ says the barman ‘What do you have?’. ‘A tenner’ replied Ben.”

18. Some bad news

A man from Cork was in with his doctor. ‘Look, David. I’ve some bad news and some terrible news for you.’

‘God. What’s the bad news?!’, asked the patient. ‘Well’, replied the doctor, ‘You only have 3 days to live’.

‘You’re joking’ says the patient. ‘How on earth can the news get any worse’. ‘Well’, says the doctor, ‘I’ve been trying to get hold of you for the past 2 days’.

19. Tea time

Three lads from Roscommon were getting paid to take part in a survey about tea drinking. One of the questions was ‘How do you stir sugar into your tea?’

‘I stir it in with my left hand’, replied the first lad. ‘I stir it in with my right’, replied the second.

‘I stir it in with a spoon’, replied the third.

Short Irish jokes and one liners

Easily offended? Or looking for Irish jokes for kids? This section is just for you.

Below, you’ll find a handful of clean Irish jokes. If you do get offended by any of these, you need to get your noggin checked.

1. Sheep

What do you call a fella from Dundalk with 400 girlfriends? A farmer!

2. The patio

Here’s one for you – What’s Irish and sits outside all day and night? Patty O’Furniture!

3. Two left feet

Did you hear about the fella from Mayo that was born with two left feet? He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips.

4. A whaaa?

What do you call an Irishman with a case of chickenpox? A lepper-chaun.

5. Leprechaun money lenders

How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? Because they’re always a little short…

6. Bad breath

What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? Gaelic breath.

7. The river

Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. ‘How do I get to the other side of the river?’, shouted one lad to the other. ‘Sure you’re on the other side’, replied the second.

8. Lawyers and bars

Why are there only a handful of Irish lawyers in London? Because only a few of them could pass the bar.

9. The cross-eyed teacher

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher in the national school in Westport? He resigned because he couldn’t control his pupils.

10. A big spider

What do you call a huge Irish spider? A Paddy-long-legs.

11. Irish ghosts

What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween? BOOOOOOs.

12. The bulletproof Irishman

This one is so bad it’s good…

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick-O-Shea…

13. A slightly offensive Irish joke

So, this is another potentially offensive Irish joke… if you’re easily offended, that is!

What’s the difference between a Irish wedding and an Irish wake? There’s one less pisshead (an Irish insult) at the wake!

Have any funny Irish jokes for adults to share?

Although you’ll find plenty of funny Irish jokes above, there’s some great jokes that have been added by readers in the comments section.

If you have any long or short Irish jokes you’d like to share, please feel free to pop it in below.

Related reads: See my guides to the best Irish toasts, Irish slang, funny Irish sayings and Irish proverbs