62 Funny Irish Sayings And Phrases We Use In Ireland

I’ve lived in Ireland for 34 years and, like most, I grew up hearing plenty of odd, mad and funny Irish sayings.

Many of these tend to fall into the Irish insults category, like ‘Even a kettle wouldn’t whistle at you’.

However, plenty are used to describe certain situations or how you’re feeling, like ‘I’m more shook than the Popes hand’.

Below, you’ll find a collection of funny Irish phrases and sarcastic Irish sayings to mull over – enjoy!

Funny Irish sayings

Now, a warning – many of the funny Irish sayings below are a little bit out there, so if you’re easily offended, you’ve been warned.

For those of you that aren’t easily offended, you’ll find a hape of Irish sayings to add to your arsenal. 

2023 update: Since publishing this article, we’ve had a flurry of emails asking what X, Y or Z means, so we’ve added For examples!

1. There’s more meat on a hen’s kneecap

This is used to describe someone that’s skinny, similar to ‘There’s isn’t a pick on him”.

For example: “Did you see Laura’s new fella? Yea, the tall lad – sure, there’s more meat on a hen’s kneecap!”

2. He’s so cheap if he found a plaster he’d cut himself

This is one of several funny Irish sayings used to describe someone that’s stingy with their money.

For example: “Tom shafted me with the taxi fare last night.” “He did the same to me last week, he’s so tight if he found a plaster he’d cut himself just to use it!”

3. His ar*e must get jealous of his mouth, the amount of sh*te he talks

If you’re in need of funny Irish phrases to describe someone that exaggerates or who’s a pathological liar, hit ’em with this one.

For example: “That clown Kev was saying on Facebook he has trials with Celtic!”. “Was he, yea?! His ar*e must get jealous of his mouth, the amount of sh*te he talks.”

4. He’s so cheap he turns off the gas when he’s turning his rashers

Another one that’ll come in handy if you’re dealing with someone that finds it hard to part with their money (note: rashers = bacon).

For example: “He wouldn’t even donate money for the new pitch. He’s the type of fella that’d knock off the gas when he’s flipping his rashers!”

5. The tide wouldn’t take that fella out

One of many funny short Irish sayings that makes a jab at someones appearance is this one!

For example: “The state of your man – the tide wouldn’t even take him out!”

6. You’ve a head on you that would make an onion cry

Although I’m not sure if this one I exclusive to Ireland, you tend to hear it here a fair bit.

For example: “Kate’s new bloke is a rough looking yoke. He has a head on him that’d make an onion cry!”

7. He’s like a cloud – when he fecks off it’s a lovely day

The chances are you’ll have a few people who, when they leave, people breath a sigh of relief.

For example: “Chris is just minus craic altogether. He’s like a cloud – when he’s gone it’s a lovely day altogether!”

8. I’m as shook as a hand at mass

Some of the more popular funny Irish sayings are used to describe being hungover.

For example: “I had a few shwigs of Poitín when I came home last night – I’m as shook as a hand at mass this morning!”

9. If you told him you were in Tenerife he’d say he was in Elevenerife

This one is used to describe someone that always likes to one-up people (Tenerife is a place in Spain!).

For example: “That ars*hole Karen is always trying to one-up me. If I told her I went to Tenerife she’d say she has a villa in Elevenerife!”

10. Even a kettle wouldn’t whistle at you

Another of the funny Irish phrases used to describe someone as unattractive, refers to the whistle of an old-style kettle.

For example: “He has a head like a boiled turnip – even the kettle wouldn’t whistle at him!”

11. If he was anymore in-bred he’d be a sandwich

Now, this is arguably one of the more offensive funny Irish sayings that you may end up getting a box in the head for using…

For example: “They’re all a bit backwards out that way. If Mick was anymore in-bred he’d be a sandwich!”

12. He’d take the milk out of your tea and come back for the sugar

This one is used to describe someone that isn’t trustworthy or who’s known to be a thief.

For example: “He’s a thieving huair that lad – he’d rob the milk from your tea and come back later for the sugar!”

13. He’s so tight he’s building his own coffin

You’ve probably noticed a trend that many funny Irish phrases make a jab at someone being cheap… there’s plenty more to come.

For example: “Tony Walsh still has his communion money. He’s so cheap I’d say he’s building his own coffin!”

14. He’s as useful as a one legged man in an ar*e kicking competition

This next saying is used to describe someone that’s proving to be more trouble than they’re worth.

For example: “I had Mart’s young lad working with me… Good God he’s as useful as a one legged man in an ar*e kicking contest!”

15. He’d read you mass from a cookbook

This might read a bit strange when you see it for the first time, but it’s a way of saying that a person is a spoofer/has the ability to talk sh*te.

For example: “The sh*te that one talks is something else. She’d read you mass out of a cookbook!”

16. It’s often a person’s mouth that breaks his nose

You might recognise the next of our funny Irish sayings from our Irish proverbs guide – it’s used as a way of saying that it’s often what comes out of someones mouth that lands them in trouble.

For example: “Zack got the sack from the new job.” “He’s known for talking sh*te – I bet it was his mouth that broke his nose”.

13. He’d sh*te on the table to keep the flies off the sugar

The first time I heard this one was at a family dinner when my uncle used it to describe a fella that started working with them on a building site in Wicklow.

For example: “He couldn’t even get the hose working. He’s the type of lad that’d sh*te on the table to get the flies off the sugar!”

14. They’ve got enough cheek for a second ar*e

One of the more popular funny Irish phrases, this is used to describe someone that has done someone that shocks/annoys/irritates you.

For example: “That clown tried to offer me €2,000 less than the asking price – he’d enough cheek for a second ar*e!”

15. I’d rather sh*te in my hand and clap

One that’ll conjure up a lovely mental image, this is used to describe something you don’t want to do.

For example: “Are you coming to Shelly’s birthday?” “I am in my hole – I’d rather sh*te in my hands and clap”.

16. If work was in the bed, he’d sleep on the floor

The next of our funny Irish sayings is used to describe someone that doesn’t anything they can to avoid work.

For example: “That new fella Tom hired is a lazy pox. If work was in the bed he sleep on the ground!”

17. He’d bore the hole off a golf course

This one is used to describe someone that’s boring. The only two people that I’ve heard using this one are from Galway, so it may well come from that neck of the woods.

For example: “Good God Mary was asked to say an Irish blessing at the ceremony, but she started going on about the meaning of life. She’d bore the hole off 7 golf courses that one.”

18. He’s so tight he peels his oranges in his pocket

Another of the funny Irish phrases to describe someone (usually someone from Cavan…) as being cheap is this one.

For example: “You’d be doing well to get your money back off him – he’s so cheap he peels his oranges in his pocket!”

19. He’s as tight as a ducks hole

This next one has a number of variations (e.g. ‘As tight as a camels…’) and it’s used to describe someone that’s cheap.

For example: “We were out last night and he didn’t buy one round – he kept going to the toilet when it was his turn. He’s as tight as a ducks hole that one!”

20. He’s that skinny the one eye would do him

One of the few funny Irish phrases in this article that made me laugh out when I read it, this is used to describe someone that’s thin.

For example: “Fair play to Declan, he has lost some amount of weight!” “I know, but he’s so thin now the one eye would do him!”

21. If he fell over he’d be halfway home

This one is used to describe someone that’s tall (usually someone that’s long and lanky).

For example: “The new lad that started last week must be about 8 foot – he’s that big that if he fell over he’d be halfway home!”

22. He says more than his prayers

The next of our funny Irish sayings is used to describe someone that likes to exaggerate. 

For example: “Apparently Tom’s young lad won an award for telling Irish jokes!” “That chap is known for saying more than his prayers, I wouldn’t believe the half of it!”

23. She’s nice from afar, but far from nice

This one is used to describe someone that you think looks well from afar, but not from close up.

For example: “That’s a fine looking one that Adam’s marrying.” “Do you think? I’d say she’s nice from afar, but she’s far from nice!”

24. He’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic

Another of the funny Irish sayings that used to describe someone that’s acted a bit strangely is this one.

For example: “I brought the car to your man on the Old Herse Road but he was a bit of a strange!” “Yea, I’ve heard he’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic that one!”

25. He’d drink Lough Erne and the Grand Canal dry

This one is used to describe someone that’s fond of the drink!

For example: “He’s a divil for the pints – he’d drink Lough Erne and the Grand Canal dry!”

26. You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike

Generally used when someone has proved themselves to not be up to a particular task. 

For example: “I asked you to turn on the kettle and you couldn’t even do that right – you’re as useful as an ashtray on a bike!”

27. I’ve seen more meat on a spider’s elbow

As you can imagine, you won’t find much meat on a spider. This is used to describe someone skinny.

For example: “Are you feeding that dog? There’s more meat on a spiders elbow!”

28. His home is so manky you wipe your feet on your way out

One of the few funny Irish sayings that’s used to describe the state of someones house, ‘manky’ is Irish slang for ‘dirty’.

For example: “We stayed in a B&B around the corner, it was in bits. The room was so dirty you had to wipe your runners on the way out!”

29. She has a face like a slapped ar*e

If you imagine any skin that’s received a shlap, it’s red – this one is used to describe someone red in the face, usually when they’re annoyed or embarrassed. 

For example: “He must have said something to annoy her – she has a face on her like a slapped ar*e!”

30. If he was chocolate he’d eat himself

One of a handful of funny Irish phrases to describe someone that’s in love with them self is this one liner.

For example: “Tom’s new neighbour is the vainest huair you’ll come across – if he was a bar of chocolate he’d eat himself!”

31. Busy? Sure I was up and down like a fiddlers elbow

If you picture a person playing the fiddle, their arm moves up and down constantly. This is used to describe anyone/thing that’s constantly moving.

For example: “It’s been flat out busy in the bar all day – I’ve been up and down like a fiddlers elbow!”

32. He’s like a pig looking into an washing machine

This one is used to describe someone that’s a bit dense. Picture a pig looking into a washing machine with a confused look on their face…

For example: “He’s not the full shilling that lad. I had him try and fix the computer last week – it was like a pig looking into a washing machine!”

33. If he fell out of a window, he’d go up

One of several funny Irish sayings to describe someone that’s very lucky, this is one you don’t hear too often.

For example: “Did you hear Sally won the club lotto? She’s that lucky if she fell out of a window she’d fall up instead of down!”

34. I was out last night. I’m more shook than the Popes hand

This next one is used to when you’re particularly hungover (‘shook’ is one of the Irish words for feeling dodgy/unwell).

For example: “I had 11 pints last night – I feel more shook that the Popes hand!”

35. He’s a leg short of a snackbox

A snackbox is something you order in a chipper (chip shop) that comes with chips and two pieces of chicken.

For example: “That new girl is after using bleach instead of washing up liquid. She’s a leg short of a snackbox that one!”

36. He wouldn’t sleep in the same house as a shovel

If you’ve a friend or colleague that’s work shy, this is one of several funny Irish phrases to describe someone that dodges work.

For example: “I hear Brian’s young lad is working with you now?!” “He is, but he’s a work-shy huair – he wouldn’t sleep in the same house as a shovel, never mind use one!

37. He couldn’t get his hole in a polo factory

Now, in this instance ‘hole’ is a way of describing sleeping with someone while a Polo is a mint sweet with a hole in the centre… I’ll let you figure out the rest.

For example: “According to Terry he’s gone on 17 dates this summer!” “I wouldn’t believe a word of it – he couldn’t get his hole in a Polo factory that one!”

38. I wouldn’t get up on him to get over a wall

To ‘get up on someone’ is another way of describing ‘being’ with someone. This is used to describe someone you don’t find attractive.

For example: “Did you see Ashling’s new fella? I wouldn’t get up on him to get over a wall!”

39. He wouldn’t get a kick in a stampede

The next of our funny Irish sayings is another one to describe someone you don’t find attractive.

For example: “He’s an awful looking yoke – he wouldn’t get a kick in a stampede!”

40. I’m as shook as a beggars cup

This one is used to describe how you feel if you’ve overindulged and feel hungover.

For example: “I mixed wine with vodka last night. I’ve been sick all day. I’m as shook as a beggars cup!”

41. She’s as old as Methuselah’s cat

This is one of the old Gaelic sayings to describe someone/thing that’s old (Methuselah is a figure from the Bible who was known for his long lifespan).

For example: “Glen’s new girlfriend is old enough to be his mother.” “Ah shtap – sure the last one he was with was older than Methuselah’s cat!”

42. If he was any longer he’d be late

This one is generally used to describe someone that’s long and lanky.

For example: “She’s some height that one. If she was any longer she’d be late!”

43. I’ve seen bigger fellas on wedding cakes

The next of our funny Irish sayings is used to describe someone that’s small.

For example: “He’s strutting around in here like he’s a champion boxer – I’ve seen bigger blokes on wedding cakes!”

44. I’m sicker then a bus to Lourdes

Lourdes is a Catholic pilgrimage site in France that people visit in search of healing from its sacred waters. This one is used when you’re not feeling well.

For example: “I’ve never been this hungover – I’m sicker than a plane to Lourdes!”

45. He wouldn’t be the fizziest coke in the fridge

This one is used to describe someone that’s a bit dense.

For example: “Did you see him trying to change the tyre?” “I did. He wouldn’t be the fizziest can in the fridge, that one!”

46. I feel as sick as three small hospitals

Another of the funny Irish sayings used if you’re not feeling well, whether it be from the flu or a hangover.

For example: “I 100% got food poisoning from that place last night. I feel as sick as three small hospitals!”

47. There’s more meat on a butchers pencil

This one is used to describe someone that’s skinny/someone that’s lost weight.

For example: “That jumper is hanging off of you. You’d find more meat on a butchers pencil!”

48. He’s so skinny he’d have to run around the shower to get wet

The next of our funny Irish sayings is, like the last, used to describe someone that’s thin.

For example: “There’s not a pick on him. He’d have to do laps of the shower to get wet!”

49. Sure, if my auntie had balls she’d be me uncle

The next of our funny Irish sayings is one my dad uses on a regular basis in response to someone talking about things that could have been.

For example: “I would have gone professional if it wasn’t for the drink”. “Ah, shtop – sure if me auntie had balls she’d be me uncle!”

50. He has teeth on him like a bus stop – they’re all pushing to get to the front

This one is used to describe someone with a less-than-lovely smile.

For example: “They’re heading up to Newry to see the new dentist. It’ll be expensive – those teeth are like a bus stop – they’re all pushing to get to the front!”

51. Has a face like a bucket of spanners

You’ll hear a good few variations of this one and it’s used to describe someone rough looking or someone you don’t find attractive. 

For example: “The absolute hack of yer man – he’s got a face on him like a bucket of broken spanners!”

52. He has a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp

This is one of many funny Irish phrases that’s used to describe someone with an angry head on them.

For example: “Look at the thick head on your one – she has a face on her like a bulldog chewing on a wasp!”

53. If he was any more laid back he’d be horizontal

The next of our funny Irish sayings is used to describe someone that’s very relaxed.

For example: “I don’t like him – he’s far too relaxed. If he was any more laid back he’d be horizontal!”

54. He’d start a fight with himself

You’ll often meet someone that’s very aggressive. I’ve only really heard this one used to describe someone that gets agro after a few drinks.

For example: “She’s a terrible woman with a few drinks on her, she’d start a fight with herself!”

55. She’d talk the hind legs off a donkey

If you have a friend or acquaintance that doesn’t stop talking, this ones for you.

For example: “Good God I couldn’t get away from Mary’s husband – he’d talk the back legs off a donkey!”

56. He’s the type of fella that’d stand on the beach all day sweeping the water back out to sea

This one describes someone that’s clueless or someone that’s after doing something stupid.

For example: “Yer one Matty hired is absolutely useless – she’s the type that’d stand on the beach all day sweeping the water back into the ocean!”

57. He has a face for modelling balaclavas

One of several funny Irish phrases that needs little explanation, this is used to describe someone that you don’t find overly attractive.

For example: “He’s a rough looking fella alright – he has the type of head that’d do well modelling balaclavas!”

58. She’s a craic vacuum – she sucks the fun out of the room

The next of our funny Irish sayings is for describing someone that drains the fun out of a place/situation.

For example: “Ah, stop – she was in here last week wrecking the buzz – a pure craic vacuum!”

59. I’ve seen a better head on a brush

Another of the funny short Irish sayings that I tend to hear my aul lad use it this one, most frequently used to describe a bad hair cut/style.

For example: “Man, that’s one sh*te haircut. I’ve seen a better looking head on a brush!”

60. He could send a glass eye to sleep

This one is used to describe someone/something that’s particularly boring.

For example: “They asked that boring huair to give an Irish toast at the wedding – they’ll want to have coffee at the ready – he’d send a glass eye to sleep!”

61. She has a BOBFOC

Now, this one is likely to cause insult, so beware! BOBFOC is an acronym for ‘Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch’.

For example: “Sarah’s new fella is a good looking bloke”. “Maybe from afar – he’s a bit of a BOBFOC!”

62. He wouldn’t spend Christmas

The last of our funny Irish sayings is another one to use for someone that’s cheap.

For example: “You’d do well to get a few bob from that one – she wouldn’t spend Christmas!”

What funny Irish blessings and sayings have we missed?

Although we spent a fair aul while bringing together this collection of funny Irish sayings, I’m sure we’ve missed some great ones.

If you have any funny Irish phrases that stand out in your head, shout in the comment section below.

FAQs about funny Irish phrases

We’ve had a lot of questions over the years asking about everything from ‘What are some good sarcastic Irish sayings?’ to ‘What are some funny Irish proverbs?’.

In the section below, we’ve popped in the most FAQs that we’ve received. If you have a question that we haven’t tackled, ask away in the comments section below.