There’s some very funny St. Patrick’s Day jokes for adults and kids alike.
There’s some absolutely terrible ones, too. This article contains a bit of both.
However, if you’re looking for a festive giggle to bring to the table this St. Patrick’s Day, you’re in the right place!
Below, we’ve separated the St. Patrick’s Day jokes into two sections – the first contains clean Irish jokes for kids and the second contains funny St. Patrick’s Day jokes for adults.
Clean St. Patrick’s Day jokes for kids
The first section of our guide is packed with inoffensive St. Patrick’s Day jokes for kids.
Below, you’ll find everything from Leprechaun laughs to some very cheesy puns that are perfect for little ears.
1. Leprechaun money lenders
“How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? Because they’re always a little short…”
2. Why did the Leprachaun go out to his back garden?
So he could relax on his Paddy-O…
3. What would you call a big Irish spider?
4. What type of music do Leprechauns dance to?
5. What type of magic spells do leprechauns cast?
6. What do you call a leprechaun who’s worried about the planet?
7. Who catches bold Lepre-Cons?
The Under-Clover cops!
8. What does an Irishman get from eating Italian food?
9. KNOCK KNOCK!
Erin as quickly as I could but that damn Leprechaun was too quick!
10. How did the Leprechaun get big muscles?
He kept pushing his luck!
11. At what point is an Irish Potato no longer an Irish Potato?
When it’s a French-Fry…
12. What do you shout if you lose a game on St. Patrick’s Day?
13. What kind of bow is a leprechaun unable to tie?
14. Where do leprechaun baseball teams play?
In the little leagues…
15. What’s Irish and sits outside all day and night?
16. What did the baby leprechaun discover sitting at the end of the rainbow?
17. What do you say to someone running the St. Patrick’s Day marathon?
I-rish you luck!
18. What did an angry St. Patrick shout at the snakes?
He told them they needed to ‘Hiss off’!
19. Why are Leprechaun money lenders bad at their jobs?
Because they’re always a little short!
20. What does it mean if you stumble upon a horse-shoe on St. Patrick’s Day?
It means that somewhere there’s a poor horse hobbling along with only 3 shoes!
21. How come Irish golfers can’t finish their game on St .Patrick’s day?
Because they refuse to leave the green…
22. Did you hear about the lad from Mayo born with two left feet?
He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips!
23. How do you tell if a Leprechaun found your St. Patrick’s Day joke funny?
He’ll be Dub-Lin over with laughter!
24. What do Leprechauns do with their unfinished dinner?
They make Left-Clovers!
25. Knock Knock!
Clover here pal and I’ll tell you.
26. What kind of spell did Harry Potter’s Irish friend cast?
A lucky charm!
27. Knock Knock!
Saint no time for questions just open the door it’s freezing!
28. Why should you never iron a 4 leaf clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
29. What do you call an Irishman with chickenpox?
30. What’s long, loud and green and only appears once a year?
The St. Patrick’s Day parade!
31. What did the hungry leprechaun stick in the vending machine?
A few Lepre-Coins!
32. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
Because the train tickets were too expensive!
33. What do you call it when someone does the wrong Irish dance?
A jig mistake!
34. What do you call an artificial stone in Ireland?
35. What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
36. What happens when two awkward Leprechauns meet?
There’s a lot of small talk!
37. How can you tell if a shamrock is jealous?
It’ll be green with envy!
38. What did the Irish ghost drink on St. Patrick’s Day?
39. How was the Irish Jig invented?
There was a party with too much beer and only one toilet!
40. What did the bold leprechaun get from Santa?
A big pot of coal!
41. Why are so many leprechauns great gardeners?
Because they have green thumbs!
42. Three men from Roscommon were getting paid to take part in a survey about tea drinking…
One of the questions was ‘How do you stir sugar into your tea?’
‘I stir it in with my left hand’, replied the first lad. ‘I stir it in with my right’, replied the second.
‘I stir it in with a spoon’, replied the third.
43. What is wrestler Dwayne Johnson’s nickname?
44. Why do leprechauns not play sports?
They prefer to spend their time jigging rather than jogging!
45. A girl tells here mam that she met an Irish boy at the St. Patrick’s Day party.
‘Oh, really?’, the mother replied.
‘No, O’Reilly’, replied the girl.
46. What do cocky Leprechauns play on St. Patrick’s Day?
They play music on their brag-pipes!
48. When does a leprechaun cross the road?
When the lights are green!
47. What is a Yadskcirtapts?
It’s St. Patricks Day spelled backwards!
48. Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork
‘How do I get to the other side of the river?’, shouted one lad to the other.
‘Sure you’re on the other side’, replied the second.
Funny St. Patrick’s Day jokes for adults
The second section of our guide is packed with funny St. Patrick’s Day jokes for adults.
Unlike the previous section, this one contains some potentially offensive St. Patrick’s Day jokes, many of which contain Irish slang and Irish insults.
1. The apartment next-door
“A Garda is driving along O’Connell Street when he notices two men pissing up against the door of a restaurant. He stops and sprints over to them.
He asks the first man for his name and address. The man replies with, ‘I’m Oisin O’Meara of no fixed abode.’
The Garda turns to the second man and asks him the same question.
He replies, ‘I’m Michael Glynn, and I live in the apartment next-door to Oisin!'”
2. Ordering a drink
A man walked into a bar in New York and asked the barmaid for a beer and a packet of peanuts.
‘Oh. You must be Irish’, she replied.
The man was clearly offended and responded, ‘The cheek of you. Just because I order a drink you assume that I’m Irish.
If I ordered Spaghetti would you that make me Italian?!’
‘No’ she replied. ‘But this is a post office…'”
3. Flies in a pint
“An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub in Belfast. Each man orders a pint of Guinness.
After the pints have been poured and placed on the bar, the men notice that each has a fly floating inside.
The Englishman gags and leaves the pub. The Scot reaches in and picks the wasp out.
The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out you thieving bastard.””
Note: While this is one of the many St. Patrick’s Day jokes that leans on a stereotype, it isn’t really offensive.
“Dano’s wife was in a Hospital in Kerry, ready to give birth to twins.
When nurse arrived, she asked, ‘How dilated is she, sir?’.
‘Delighted?’ Dano replied. ‘She’s over the fu*king moon!'”
5. Sheep (a potentially offensive St. Patrick’s Day joke…)
“What do you call a fella from Dundalk with 400 girlfriends? A sheep farmer!”
Disclaimer: This is one of the more offensive St. Patrick’s Day jokes for adults and it’s probably in your best interest to avoid saying this to anyone from a farming background.
6. Feeling himself
“Sheamus nipped into his local pub on the way back home from a visit to the doctor. ‘What’s the craic?’ Martin asks when he sees the worried look on Sheamus’s face.
‘I haven’t been feeling myself lately’, Sheamus replied. ‘That’s good’ says Martin. ‘Sure you’d be arrested for less!'”
7. Legal advice
“A Scottish lawyer was sat with his Irish client trying to understand why he was arrested.
‘Marty’ he sighed, ‘Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?’
‘That’s a load of Bollocks. Who told you that?’ asked Marty.”
8. More sheep…
“An Irish farmer was walking along the boundary between his and his neighbour’s fields when he spotted his neighbour carrying 2 sheep in his arms.
‘Tony’, he called. ‘Are you going to shear those sheep’. ‘I am not’, the neighbour replied, ‘They’re both for me’.”
9. Death by Guinness
“It was a chilly Friday night when the doorbell rang in Mrs Molloy’s home. When she answered the door, Pat Glynn, her husband’s manager at the local brewery, was stood outside.
‘Pat. What’s wrong? Where’s my husband? He should have been home from work hours ago?’
The man sighed. ‘I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mrs Molloy, but there was an accident over in the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned’.
‘Oh my God’ she replied. ‘Please tell me it was quick?!’
‘Well… no. It wasn’t. He climbed out 4 times to take a piss’.”
10. Catholics or Pedestrians?
“An Irishman was in New York patiently waiting to cross a busy street. There was a traffic cop manning the crossing.
The cop stopped after a few minutes and told those waiting to cross the road, ‘Okay pedestrians’, he said, ‘Let’s go’.
The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. After five minutes he shouted to the cop, ‘Here! The pedestrians crossed ages ago – when’s it time for the Catholics?!'”
11. Two left feet
“Did you hear about the fella from Mayo that was born with two left feet?
He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips.”
12. A bold dog
“Anto and his wife were lying in bed in their house in Dublin one Saturday morning. It was 8 o’clock and the neighbour’s dog was going mental.
‘F*ck this’, shouted Anto as he ran out of the room.
He arrived back up the stairs ten minutes later. ‘What are you after doing?’ replied his wife. ‘I’ve put the little b*stard in our garden. Let’s see how they like listening to the little b*stard!'”
13. The river
“Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. ‘How do I get to the other side of the river?’, shouted one lad to the other.
‘Sure you’re on the other side’, replied the second.”
14. Ten shots, please
“Ben walked into the local bar all a fluster and ordered seven shots of Irish whiskey and a pint of Smwithicks. When the barman arrived back with the pint, all of the shots of whiskey had been drunk.
‘Ah here, you drank those very quickly’ said the barman. ‘Well’ says Ben, ‘If you had what I had you’d drink them quickly, too’.
‘Shite’ replied the barman ‘What do you have?’ ‘A tenner’ replied Ben.”
15. The bulletproof Irishman
This one is so bad it’s good…
“Right, what do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick-O-Shea…”
16. Lawyers and bars
“Why are there only a handful of Irish lawyers in London? Because only a few of them could pass the bar.”
17. Digging holes
“Two Irish lads were working for the local county council. One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in.
They worked up along one street and then down the other. They then moved to the next street and did the same, working flat out all day without stopping.
One lad digging the holes. The other lad filling them in.
A passerby saw what they were doing and was amazed at the hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were at.
So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, ‘I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?’
The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, ‘Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. You see, we’re normally a three-man team. But today the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick.'”
18. The cross-eyed teacher
“Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher in the national school in Westport? He resigned because he couldn’t control his pupils.”
19. Chasing donkeys
“A Cork man went for a job at the local stables. When he sat down for the interview, the farmer asked him ‘Have you ever shoed horses?’
The Cork man thought about this for a couple of minutes and replied, ‘No, but i once told a donkey to get f*cked’.”
20. Two Irishmen at a funeral
“Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. One turns to the other and says, ‘It was a beautiful ceremony, wasn’t it?!’
‘It was’, replied the friend. ‘Listen – when I die, will you pour a decent bottle of whiskey over my grave, as a toast?’.
‘I will’, says the friend. ‘But would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?'”
21. Some bad news
“A man from Cork was in with his doctor. ‘Look, David. I’ve some bad news and some terrible news for you.’
‘God. What’s the bad news?!’, asked the patient. ‘Well’, replied the doctor, ‘You only have 3 days to live’.
‘You’re joking’ says the patient. ‘How the f**k can the news get any worse’. ‘Well’, says the doctor, ‘I’ve been trying to get hold of you for the past 2 days’.”
22. A slightly offensive St. Patrick’s Day joke
What’s the difference between a Irish wedding and an Irish wake? There’s one less pisshead (an Irish insult) at the wake!”
23. All bunged up
“A man from Carlow went to his doctor complaining of cramps from constipation. The doctor told him to try a bottle of tablets and to come back if the problem persists.
A week later the man returned.
‘We’ll, are you feeling any better?’, asked the doctor. ‘No’, the man replied. ‘Was I definitely meant to shove them up my arse?'”
Have you any St. Patrick’s Day Jokes to you’d like to tell us?
I’ve no doubt that we’ve missed some great St. Patrick’s Day jokes in the article above.
If you have any that you’d like to tell us, please shout in the comments section below!
FAQs about making jokes on St. Patrick’s Day
Every year when March 17th rolls around we get a clatter of emails asking about etiquette and St. Patrick’s Day jokes.
The simple answer usually is that, if you have to ask, you probably shouldn’t say it. Here’s some of the most FAQs. Here are some related reads you should find interesting:
- The Best Irish Songs And The Best Irish Films Of All Time For Paddy’s Day
- 8 Ways That We Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day In Ireland
- The Most Notable St. Patrick’s Day Traditions In Ireland
- 17 Tasty St. Patrick’s Day Cocktails To Whip Up At Home
- How To Say Happy St. Patrick’s Day In Irish
- 5 St. Patrick’s Day Prayers And Blessings For 2023
- 17 Surprising Fact’s About St. Patrick’ Day
- 33 Interesting Facts About Ireland
Are St. Patrick’s Day jokes offensive?
Some are (we’ve highlighted which ones above) and some aren’t. A good rule of thumb is ‘if in doubt, leave it out’.
What’s a good short St. Patrick’s Day joke?
How did the Leprechaun get big muscles? He kept pushing his luck!